Re: Surviving

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 10:34 am

Anissa nodded again, thinking about how abruptly Zachary had decided to stay with her. He'd just suddenly taken his leave and asked to stay with her for a while. He'd been acting really serious the whole time too. Not unkind, but serious. He also seemed to be lost in thought fairly often too, wearing sad expressions here and there. It seemed like it was just a sad time for everyone. Still, against Victoria's wishes, Anissa hadn't cried to Zachary about her problems yet. Her hopes, fears... things that made her mad, or sad, she hadn't spoken to him about any of those things since he'd begun staying there. She didn't feel it was right to burden him with those thoughts. She enjoyed seeing that precious smile of his, and she knew it would be gone in an instant if he knew all of what was going on. She suspected he'd figured out a bit of it... but not all of it. If he had... then he would leave her. If he didn't leave her, then he would never smile again. That was why she needed to hide the scabs. She couldn't let him see them.

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:51 am

It was almost seven in the morning when Michael called. Zachary woke up Anissa and the two of them got dressed and left the house as the sun was rising. It was a day they had all hoped would never come, but they were all facing it. They arrived and Victoria and Michael's apartment where he'd left the door unlocked for them to come inside.

Victoria was laying in bed, her skin pale and Michael was holding her hand. Zachary and Anissa had just seen her a couple days before, she had been sitting up and was chatty, enjoying the company. That day though, she looked unlike they'd ever seen her. Victoria opened her eyes briefly and then closed them again, breathing shallow breaths every so often. "Ani..." Her voice was so tiny, so weak. She gasped slightly as she tried to breathe, but her lungs weren't making that easy. "You're my best friend... I love you." Victoria could barely see, her eyes wouldn't stay open and she felt so tired. "I'm so sleepy today..."

Zachary put a hand over his mouth and turned to face the door, he was afraid he was going to lose it. Anissa was struggling and this would only add to it, they knew why they were there.

"Can't... keep my eyes open..." She closed them again, struggling to breathe. "Ani... promise me that you'll... be okay... Michael... I'm sorry."

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:05 pm

Anissa leaned forward to give Victoria a soft kiss on her forehead, then smiled sadly. She couldn't promise that she'd be okay, not really... but if giving Victoria an empty promise helped her to pass on happily, she wouldn't keep that from her. "I promise. I'll be very okay... though I'll miss you so much, my dearest sister." She tried not to cry, biting back the sobs when the tears came anyway. She looked at Michael, confused when she saw him smiling.

"Don't apologize." He whispered, caressing her cheek with one hand, and holding hers with the other. "I know I'll see you again someday, and that doesn't hurt quite so bad. Just promise me that you'll give Jesus a hug for me, alright? Don't wait to try any of the fun things up there without me, either. You've waited long enough for that."

Anissa wanted to say that he wouldn't ever see her again, but that would be rude. It wasn't the time or place to discuss such things. It wasn't the time or place to tell him that if God truly loved Michael, he wouldn't let Victoria die.

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:15 pm

"I will..." Victoria smiled weakly to her husband, "Zach... take care of my sister..."

Zachary turned around then and cleared his throat, "I promise I will, I won't let either of you down."

Victoria had so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to talk about and do. She opened her eyes again and tried to get a good look at her friends and her husband, the people she'd loved so dearly. "I'm really tired..."

Zachary turned around again when Victoria closed her eyes, he was having a really tough time with this. But then, he knew Anissa needed him most, so he went to her side and held her in his arms. Victoria breathed a shaky sigh, "Love you all so much..."

After that, she didn't say anything. For a few minutes she just kept trying to breathe until finally her hand went limp in Michael's. Her battle was over, and just the other day she had been laughing with them, talking about her favorite things, the foods she enjoyed and missed since she stopped being able to eat. It looked like she'd just fallen asleep, but she was gone.
Zachary's arms tightened considerably around Anissa, he hadn't been nearly as close to Victoria, but he couldn't ignore the pain he was experiencing knowing that his girlfriend was going through much worse, and his best friend had just lost his wife.

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:31 pm

Anissa stared quietly at Victoria's body. She had always imagined that a dead person would look like they were only sleeping, just how books had always described it. She decided the description was a terrible one, at best. Dead people looked dead. Sleeping people... you could watch their chest rise and fall, and even though they were still, there was a life about them that was so apparent. Victoria's body bore no life about it anymore. There was no longer a soft rise and fall to her chest. There was nothing about her that even whispered the thought that she may actually still be living. Even her lips were a light blue from how she'd been struggling so desperately to breathe. No, she didn't look like she was asleep. She was dead, and that was that. No longer did Anissa have a sister, and no longer did Michael have a wife. For the first time in years, Anissa felt alone in the world. Sure, she had Zachary, but who would stay up until crazy morning hours just to watch a movie and cry? Who would wake her up at 2am with a craving for ice cream, asking to join her in a drive to the nearest store?

Who would fill the hole in her heart that Victora left?

Anissa felt Zachary's arms tighten around her. She wondered how he was taking it. She wondered if he hurt over Victoria's death. He probably did... they had been friends after all. Her brain barely registered Zachary turning her in his arms, picking her up, then leaving the room with with her. Her mind was shutting down. There was barely anything that she was registering. She leaned against his chest, the tears that had threatened only moment before were nowhere to be seen. She couldn't cry. She wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come, so she closed her eyes instead. She felt... scared. Would she lose Zachary one day too?

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:06 pm

Zachary had been waiting a long time for Anissa to come out of the bathroom. It had been two weeks since Victoria died and Anissa wasn't doing well at all, though he began to notice that she hadn't cried once since the funeral.
"Anissa?" He called, finally knocking on the bathroom door, "Hey, I'm getting worried..." When there was no response, he began to panic and pushed the door open, just to find her sitting on the bathroom floor with her knees up to her chin. She was wearing jeans and one of her hoodies, her hair was in disarray, her eyes had dark circles around them, and her skin was pale.
This was an all too familiar image, one that he recognized from his own dark period. He got down on the floor and took her hand, feeling her tug as she tried to snatch it back.

"Anissa." He said, "Please talk to me, I'm here for you! I'm not going anywhere!" It was then that he noticed something like a scab from underneath the sleeve where it had slid up a little. Without her permission, he pulled the sleeve up and was shocked and horrified by what he saw. The doctor in him was screaming, and the boyfriend was panicking. "No... Anissa." He immediately took her into his arms, even though she was protesting.

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:22 pm

He saw. She didn't want him to see. Why did he have to look? Why did he have to pull her sleeve up? Why did he have to come and check on her? She didn't want a hug. She didn't want help, and she didn't want to see that expression ever again. It looked to be one of shock, disappointment, and fear. She hadn't felt like eating since Victoria had stopped her treatment, but she'd been forcing herself to eat while Zachary was with her. He made sure she ate, even though sometimes it felt as though she were just going to throw it all back up. She felt his arms tighten around her when she unconsciously leaned against his chest. She wouldn't be able to escape him, so she gave up the struggle. The man she'd loved so dearly, Zachary, he was strong. He was strong, and brave, and fiercely loyal. She knew that well enough. It was why she hadn't confided in him. She had become afraid of getting too close to him like she had with Victoria.

She pulled her knees to her chest again, closing her eyes as the first tears began to roll down her cheeks since Victoria's funeral. She felt so terrible, suddenly. She had scared him... she knew she had, because he was shaking. She probably hurt him too. She sniffed, then her whole body shook when the first sob tore its path through her her throat. It was an ugly, painful sob. There were more like it on their way.

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:26 pm

Finally, she was crying. Zachary was relieved to hear those sobs, but at the same time it broke his heart. "Don't hold back, cry all you want." He kissed the top of her head and just sat there on the bathroom floor with her, knowing exactly what she felt like, feeling that pain so long ago. He was there for her, no matter what. "I'm right here, Anissa... I promise, I'm right here. I love you." He rocked her as her sobs became more frequent and painful sounding. Zachary wished he knew what to do, he wished that his brain hadn't fried on him as soon as he saw the cuts.

She'd just lost her sister, the only person in the world she was truly comfortable with confiding in. "I won't push you, but when you are ready... I'm here to listen."

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:41 pm

Was he? Would he truly listen? Could she trust him? Hesitantly, she wrapped her arms around him as she cried. She knew that she had needed him, even though she didn't want to need him. He hugged her even tighter when she wrapped her arms around him, sobbing painfully. His words weren't falling on deaf ears, though. She'd heard them loud and clear. "I love you too." She managed a reply that was not dissimilar to a whimper. "Promise you won't leave me too."

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:45 pm

"I promise." Zachary kissed her head again, "I promise I won't leave you, I love you far too much for that." He wanted to get her help, but he was too afraid to let her go, worried that she would slip from his fingers. He couldn't just leave her.

Zachary scooped her up off the floor and carried her to the living room where he laid her down on the couch and draped a blanket over her, using her favorite pillow to prop her head up. "I'm going to make you some tea..." He then went to the kitchen, glancing back on and off to make sure she wasn't running off. After making the tea, he brought it out and helped her to sit up so she could drink it. "Careful, it's hot. Now... if you can't talk to boyfriend Zach, maybe the doctor side will help."

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:05 pm

Anissa stared at him for a long moment. His blue eyes were staring anxious holes through her. She felt bad, because he just looked so hurt. She didn't know why it hurt so much to trust him. Really, he hadn't ever failed her. He was always there when she needed him most. The only times he wasn't... those times were because she never called him. She never called for him. Was that okay? She didn't know. She didn't like hurting herself, but... she also wasn't so sure it was that easy to stop. She cast her eyes down to the tea in her favorite mug. It was a mug that Zachary had bought her... it was a hot pink, with hearts scattered all over it. The tea he brewed was her favorite strawberry tea. He knew her favorites so well.

"I'm really scared of being alone." She gulped. "It's hard to make myself eat, let alone get dressed. I feel tired all the time; tired and numb. When I cut myself... it reminds me that I'm still alive. I don't know how to stop. I'm really scared of what I've become. I can't even bring myself to pick up my crochet needles."

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:49 pm

Zachary nodded as he listened to her explain what she was feeling. He didn't want to tell her that it sounded like him when he was younger, he could save that for later, right now, she needed him. "I'm going to ask you if you want me to get you some help..." He offered, "If you feel safe just having me here, or if you feel like you need to be hospitalized." He frowned, "I'll do everything I can to make sure you aren't alone, I promise... whatever I can do to help you feel safer, I will." He really wished Victoria was there, because then Anissa would have someone else besides him, but then, he also knew it was an opportunity to help her trust him more.

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 3:42 pm

"I don't want to feel like I lied to Vicky. I want to be okay again." She sipped at the tea he'd made for her. The strawberry flavor was strong, and she liked it that way. "I don't want to stay in the hospital... but I do want help. I don't like this feeling. I want to feel like myself again. I hate feeling weak, and tired... and scared of everyone. I'm always worrying, and I never used to do that. I don't want you to get mad at me for feeling like this. I'm really scared of feeling this way forever. H-How is Michael? Is he okay?"

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 3:53 pm

Zachary wondered where to begin to help Anissa, he pondered this up until she asked about Michael, "Michael... he took some time to himself, but he hasn't said much to me since she died... so I don't really know. I know he did go back to work the other day, but it seems like he's just going with the flow right now. Anyway... you won't feel this way forever, good things will happen, we'll... we'll get married and have lots of kids!" Zachary chuckled, "And we'll move into a big house and own cats, or dogs, or a fish tank! We'll be happy, and you'll be okay... we'll get you through this... I promise."

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:03 pm

Anissa smiled. "Yeah... that'll be nice."

--

Months passed since that day, and most days, Anissa felt better. Though there were random times when she felt a serious regression of the depression, and it felt difficult to even get out of bed on those days. Today was one of those days, and Zachary wasn't there. He had continued staying in the apartment with her, though he did go back to work. He was there for her as often as possible, but there was only so much that he could do.

It was a particularly bad night on top of a particularly bad day. A cellphone tower nearby had fallen in the storm, so she had no way to contact Zachary, save for text messaging that wouldn't go through. The cellphone company had limited it to block calls... so the backup tower was flooded with text messages, causing all of Anissa's to fail in sending to Zachary. She really needed to talk to him, but he wasn't there. It seemed the world was against her. Everyone hated her. It would be better to die.

Standing in the kitchen, she stared at the bottle of Lexapro in her hands. It'd just been filled, and maybe... just maybe it would allow her to pass slowly. She didn't bother to look it up online. Everything seemed hopeless. Zachary was better off without an emotional wreck like her. He was better off with someone who would appreciate him, and love him the way he deserved to be loved. Someone who would trust him... and someone who shared his beliefs.

She grabbed the hot pink mug he'd bought her and filled it with water before twisting the top off the bottle and taking its entire contents. Her heart began to race with regret after she'd swallowed the last of the pills, and she attempted to text Zachary, but the text failed, again. In fear, she began to cry, attempting a call only to get a service error instead. She was terrified. She didn't want to die. She wanted to have that dream with Zach forever. She paced the kitchen, heart racing. A tremor formed in her hands as she paced, and she began to feel dizzy, having to brace herself against the counter to stand. Moments later, she became confused, forgetting who and where she was. She roamed the kitchen in a confused stupor before finally, her eyes rolled back, showing only whites as her limbs went rigid and she fell forward.

She fell hard, hitting her forehead against the edge of the counter in front of her before sliding off and hitting the floor with a loud thud. It was about time for Zachary to be home. The convulsions began, and they were violent.

God, if you're really there... please save me. Please.

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:12 pm

It had been a long day and none of Zachary's messages had gone through to his girlfriend who was at home alone. Though most days she seemed fine, there were still days that he worried about her a lot and he couldn't wait to get home. He pulled up in the driveway and walked up to the door, finding that it was locked, so he unlocked it and entered the apartment. "Anissa?" He called, and then there was no response, no welcome homes, no hugs. He walked around the corner and into the kitchen where he saw his girlfriend convulsing on the floor. Her eyes were rolled up and she was shaking violently as he approached her, quickly tucking his hand underneath her head as he reached with the other to call an ambulance.

"No, she doesn't have a history of seizures!" He cried into the phone, then he looked and immediately saw an empty pill bottle. "She OD'd!" He exclaimed. It felt like he was punched in the gut, to think that she'd tried to kill herself and he wasn't home all day, and she had no way of getting ahold of anyone.

"Hang in there, Anissa!" He cried.

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:22 pm

Michael slid into the ER's waiting room, running to where he saw Zachary sitting, messing with a crocheted basketball key-chain that Anissa had made him for Christmas. "I came as quickly as I could!" He panted, pulling off his white lab coat. He'd had to run from three wings away, and down seven floors of stairs, as the elevators were being too frequented to be any faster. He tossed the lab coat in a chair nearby, and sat in the one closest to Zachary. There was a long moment of silence between them, and he knew patients were staring at them. Zachary was still wearing his lab coat, and Michael had just taken his off. It wasn't often that patients would see two doctors in the ER waiting room.

"There's terrible phone signal today; I couldn't understand you too well over the phone... what exactly happened?" He asked, searching his coat for the ID attached to it. He needed that to be able to get information that most people wouldn't be able to get.

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:25 pm

Zachary swallowed against a lump forming in his throat, his chin actually quivered and he looked like he was trying to hold back tears. "She... she overdosed." He choked, his body began to shake as he leaned forward and put his head in his hands, "She overdosed on Lexapro... I came home and she was convulsing, the bottle was completely empty!" He actually sobbed, tears dripping onto his pants. "I promised her I would be there and she couldn't even get ahold of me, I wasn't home, she was all by herself!"

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:43 pm

That scene sounded all too familiar to Michael. He rested his hand on Zachary's shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. "She-She'll be alright." He wasn't really sure of that, though. "This wasn't your fault, Zach. You can't blame yourself for this, you really can't." He frowned, knowing all too well the thoughts plaguing Zachary. He'd experienced the same ones. "If you start thinking of what you could have, or should have done, then you won't be at all able to help her when she wakes up. You've done all that you could do, short of putting her in a straight jacket. You cannot blame yourself for that cell tower being down. You cannot blame yourself for that and help her recover." He sighed heavily. "Now, the fact that she was alive when you got there... that's a God-send. The fact that she was still alive when she got to this hospital... that's a God-send. The fact that they still haven't called us to tell us she's dead means that the heart monitor is still beeping, and they are still pumping her stomach. She's going to live through this! She'll definitely make it."

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:46 pm

Zachary nodded slowly and smiled to Michael, "You're an amazing friend... thanks." He was never very amazing with words, he was better with hands on comfort, or being able to do something instead of speaking. Michael, he seemed to be good at both. But then, Michael had to deal with grieving families and patients quite often, and Zachary was only an ER doctor, all he had to do was make sure patients got to their specialists, or lived, he never really had to talk to them like Michael had to talk to his patients. Words of encouragement were really challenging.

"How are you holding up, Michael?" He asked, once he'd finally calmed down.

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:54 pm

Michael grimaced at the change of subject. He really didn't want to talk about himself, but if it helped Zachary, then he would do it. So, he cleared his throat and reclined in his chair. "I guess I'm alright. It's... lonely without her. I still can't bring myself to put any of her things away." He played with the wedding band on his finger. "I can't seem to take this thing off, or even delete her texts off my phone. I know it's pretty ridiculous, but... it's hard to get rid of the things that remind me of her. I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone. I really can't wait to see her again someday."

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:58 pm

"When it comes to all of that, you just have to take your time." Zachary put a hand on Michael's shoulder and smiled at him sympathetically, "Take your time, and just enjoy your memories of her. She would want you to be happy, and I know that is hard and she doesn't expect you to just... move on and act like it never happened, but I'm proud of you for continuing your job, and for taking care of yourself." Zachary said, "I'm sure she's proud of you too."

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:41 pm

Michael smiled a little. "You think so? I've often worried that she might be disappointed in me for hanging onto all of her things, but..." He tugged at a chain around his neck which held both of Victoria's rings on it. "I feel like the healing is there, but it's going to take a while to get over this. She was the love of my life... even though the time we spent together was just under a year. I really hope I was able to make that year worth it all for her... she definitely made it so for me. I have no regrets... none at all." He nudged his best friend with an elbow. "I should thank you for saving her when she was taken to the ER."

**Ikuar** Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:55 pm

Zachary chuckled, "If it wasn't for all of that, neither of us would have met Anissa or Victoria... it was a terrible circumstance, but I don't regret it either." He glanced over, nudging Michael back slightly. "You were amazing for her, you gave her a lot and I feel like we all learned something... and we're all going to be stronger because of it. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know that eventually, good things will come."

**Jayrin** Mon Sep 22, 2014 7:27 pm

"Ah, I hope so..." Michael laughed. "I hope to see little feet running around your house within the next few years as well! You're not getting any younger..." He paused when he saw Seth, Zachary's coworker step out of the ER and head for the two of them. Michael's mouth felt dry, and he sat forward in anticipation.

Seth pulled a chair over, sitting across from Zachary. "Alright, so... she's alive, and she's stable. She isn't awake yet, and we're sending her for an MRI and CAT scan... see what those show. Until those results come back, or she wakes up, we have no way of knowing whether or not she suffered any brain damage. You said the overdose was intentional? If that's the case, we have to keep her here for a while after she wakes up... you know that, right?"

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